this girl

This girl is slowly getting a waist line again. This is the little story my body needs to tell.

I’ve lost 9 kilograms in six months. Nice and slow. So slow most people I live with or work with haven’t even noticed. Of course now I’m also losing my tits, but hey, like one Hollywood celeb says about body image: “you just can’t win”. The way it happened is actually a truly magical tale.

A while back, after one of the world’s biggest assholes made a really cruel remark about my weight, I started investigating body shaming intensively. My art revolves mainly around female body narratives and body image-theory really fascinates me. The more I read, the more I realized that I will never, ever change my body for anybody else.  My body belongs to me, only me, forever. Well, not entirely, I mean someone once commented on how my body now belongs to my kids etc. which is true, but what I mean is that nobody in this world has the authority to tell me that my body is ‘ugly’ or inadequate in any way.  So my slow body transformation started with a sigil.

I started this really powerful means of control a while ago and I know now how much power a sign can hold. I decided to create a sigil about beauty. It must’ve been one of my most carefully calculated sigils, it read “I feel beautiful.” I spent quite a lot of time on it and then I let it go. I put it up on a wall in my house but I completely forgot about it.  Until recently when I realized it has been the power of the sigil all along.

I am not on a weight losing mission. I just want to love my body again. I want to FEEL my body and I want to FEEL beautiful, I mean, I don’t even own a full length mirror. I do catch glimpses of myself in shop windows now and then but if one really wants to create a clear separation between image and sensation, reflections shouldn’t come into play. I started realizing how nice just an half hour full body work out FEELS per day. I started realizing how much better I FEEL in the mornings when I don’t booze it up the night before. I started FEELING the power of just a little night time yoga before bed. And ultimately the mobility;  that FEELING of being able to move around in the world.

A friend of mine is on a weight loss mission. She loves to tell me she is now a size this, and that she now weighs this amount, and that these pants which is a number this now fits her. I always find this trivial. I don’t know which size I am (all stores sizes are different anyway) and I don’t own a scale.  I weigh myself at my mom’s house like once every three months, just because the scale stares me in the face when I go to the bathroom.

Fuck sizes, fuck scales, fuck the gaze of assholes putting you down.

Feel beautiful and you will be beautiful.